SPIFFTIRE AUDIO

The most expensive sounds on Earth.

A Letter From Alvin

Dear Spifftire Family,

At the direction of the Spifftire Board of Directors and our parent company, Enslaver Media, I would like to take a moment to address the widespread condemnation (some have called it a “witch hunt”) expressed in response to certain opinions expressed on my personal Twitter account.

I would like to unequivocally state that I love all of our customers, paid users, investorsand even our sales prospectsequally and I am truly sorry if any of you were offended by my recent comments regarding certain sensitive subjects.

Those who know me personally know that, in spite of the things I have publicly advocated for, I don't have a single ounce of prejudice in my body for any of the groups I allegedly "offended." Those who know me know that I have dedicated my career to creating and monetizing a community where musicians of all stripes — be they Western European, Northern European, or Southern European — can put aside our differences and come together in pursuit of the great and noble art of music. (If I may play Devil's Advocate, one could even say that the "woke" mob more obsessed with Cancel Culture than with music is sabotaging this mission — but I digress.)

I stand behind what I said, but I also believe that all people (including those with whom I respectfully disagree as to whether they constitute "people" or not) should be united in harmony. In pursuit of this harmony, I again express my deepest apologies for any offense taken in regard to my common-sense conclusions.

As a gesture of goodwill, we would like to offer you OUR BIGGEST SALE EVER! If you accept my apology, I'll accept yours: Just enter the coupon code SORRYALVIN at checkout for an unprecedented 9.0% DISCOUNT on ALL of our libraries!

With love and gratitude,

Alvin

Read More from Discordant Notes, the official Spifftire Blog:

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by Alvin Spifftire

DOG DAYS OF DOG DAYS OF SUMMER SALE
(EXTENDED THROUGH NOVEMBER 2026)

UP TO 99.9% OFF!*

*Select previously-discontinued products only. Average discount 3%.

Introducing...

COMPOSER CHAIN™

Spifftire Proudly Presents...
A musical
monetization revolution.

A truly decentralized sonic portfolio—powered by the Spifftire Composer Chain™!

Powered by the latest essential and important new technology that is not at all an enormous pyramid scheme, the subscription-based and fully decentralized Composer Chain™ combines the convenience of a monthly subscription fee with the power of Web3! For a moderate monthly fee*, you can unleash your full musical creativity to buy and sell samples, instruments, notes, and collectible musical in the highly stable (and not at all extremely volatile) Composer Chain™ Exchange®, enjoying and exchanging and most certainly profiting handsomely from your music in new and exciting and definitely real ways!

*Additional exchange fees apply. Subscription to, or purchase of any assets in, the Composer Chain™ does not entitle you to usage of those assets or any existing Spifftire sample library for personal or commercial use. The Composer Chain™ is not regulated by any government agency or oversight bureau and transactions are entirely one-way; all monetary gains become the property of Spifftire LLC and its Composer Chain™ affiliate partners, The Sleepy Monkey Guild, LLC (a Cayman Islands Holding Corporation). By reading these words you agree to indemnify Spifftire LLC and The Sleepy Monkey Guild, LLC from any and all claims of damages or fraud arising from any interaction with or purchase from our website. Any and all legal action you bring against us or our partners is immediately null and void because the fact that we said "Web3" in the above paragraph nullifies all Federal, State, and International law. By reading this sentence you agree that any and all legal action must be brought forth via arbitration only and under the jurisdiction of the Cayman Islands. By reading this other sentence you agree to give us an additional $200, just because.

"Human history has only two periods: Before and After the release of The Iron Box.
Now is Year Zero.
"

Alvin Spifftire, Founder, Spifftire Audio

SANS HERMLER PRESENTS
THE IRON BOX

Bach. Beethoven. The Beatles. Spifftire.
Music is about to be changed forever.

The latch, the lock, the handle — it's all there.

We modeled the acoustic response of each with more precision than any product in history.

・・

"If you buy The Iron Box you will immediately be hired to score a feature-length film."
–Sans Hermler, Gremmly-Winning Film Composer

"I have never heard an Iron Box sound better than this, and I've been making Iron Boxes for thirty years."
–Germanio Pollozzetti, Award-Winning Boxsmith

–GearCop Magazine
*out of 10 stars

COALEMUS CHOIRS — .40% OFF — LAST CHANCE SALE!
THIS PRODUCT WILL BE DISCONTINUED IN 48 HOURS

FEATURED SAMPLE LIBRARIES

Sans Hermler presents
The Iron Box (New!)

Our latest innovation. Sound exactly like world-famous film composer Sans Hermler with the most meticulously-sampled Iron Box that has ever existed in the entirety of human and possibly also alien history. We recorded this box from every angle and every possible distance with a 700-mic array in sixty-five of the most expensive recording studios on earth. The box may be iron, but the sound is multi-platinum.

Learn more

Our Flagship Library
Dolus Prime Orchestra

The platinum standard in orchestral library marketing, Dolus Prime features over 6TB of individually-sampled orchestral instruments billed on a per-note basis. Take your audio to the next level with over 600,000 stunning 384kHz/64-bit samples and our critically-acclaimed manual assembly assistant. (Coming soon: Legato!)

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Coalemus Choirs

The most impressive choirs ever heard in the history of all choral music—over 340 million individual bytes of data with round-robin sampling that can emulate a mind-obliterating eight Latin phrases!

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Sisyphus Plastic Orchestra

What would happen if every instrument in your orchestra was made of PVC? We spoke to God directly and found out. The Sisyphus Plastic Orchestra contains over 390GB of premium 192kHz plastic toy orchestral samples recorded at the world-famous Loofdarst Studios in Hamburg.

Learn more

PLUG-INS

Harpocrates Anechoic Chamber Reverb

Pushing the limits of algorithmic reverb to godlike heights, our award-winning Anechoic Chamber Reverb models some of the most famous and therefore good anechoic chambers in the world.

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Cerberus EQ Deluxe

The industry-leading Cerberus EQ features a stunning range that puts other EQ plugins to shame. Hear what others can't, and shape your sound all the way up to an ear-raising 45kHz.

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WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SPIFFTIRE

"Every studio should have this or be burnt to the ground."

–Brendlan Thomas Jr.
Composer,
Calling Orders 13: Endless Gray

"If you don't buy every product on this website, you are not a true composer."

Kelm Nesslimner
Composer,
Spundt II: Not More Spundt!

"This is unfortunate, but I am unable to provide the quote for your website. Please do not contact me again."

Takuji Shimokawa
Composer,
Revenant Illusion series

"Whether it's carefully and realistically capturing the stray noise and occasional coughing of a real-world studio orchestra or simply providing the perfect minor-key string arpeggios soaked in the bass-heavy reverb of an expensive rental hall, nobody on earth grasps the Hybrid Symphonic/AAA sound quite like Spifftire."

Beard McGillis | Comms Open!
Composer,
Molten Steel V

FEATURED VIDEOS

Masterclass: Filling Your IOLicenser™ With Success
with Grumm Poldwig

Join film & game audio pro Grumm Poldwig (Scumpton Downs, Hermosillo Desperados, Jewelemites!) for a detailed tutorial on how to research and buy the award-winning plugins and libraries that will take your sound to the next level and make you a Gremmly-Award winning millionaire.

Watch Now

"I Am a Computer Who Laughs in the Face of God"
A Sit-Down with Sans Hermler

Spifftire artist and billionaire composer Sans Hermler ruminates on life, music, and everything in-between, from his humble origins as the son of a diamond mine owner to the present, his thoughts on music, owning the means of production, and Human Instrumentality.

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TUTORIALS

Becoming a Game Audio Reply Guy
with Bremdan Gallows

World-famous Game Audio Reply Guy Bremdan Gallows (Uncanny Valley Audio + Consulting) takes you on a step by step journey to success. This comprehensive guide will have you flooding the mentions of every composer, sound designer, and developer with inane hashtags, GIFs, and unsolicited advice — across every possible platform.

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Going In-Box With Spifftire
with Limden Poomblat

Legendary Engineer Limden Poomblat has mixed and mastered tens of thousands of big-budget projects—and has used only Spifftire Plug-ins to do so since 1963. This detailed guide will help other, more tragically "analog" music professionals replace their existing, outmoded gear with the latest Spifftire products.

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MORE

Tijuana Strings
END OF LIFE NOTICE

We would like to inform you of the End-of-Life of our Tijuana Strings product line, effective July 1.

We would like to thank all of our loyal customers who made Tijuana Strings the best-selling and longest-lived (over 3.5 years!) orchestral library in history. All libraries will be deactivated and automatically deleted from your computer by the Spifftire Library Manager by or before July 15.

We understand the decision to retire Tijuana Strings may be difficult for some users to process. To prevent any disruption to your studio, we strongly recommend crossgrading to the cutting-edge Dolus Prime library. However, as a token of our thanks, we are offering a crossgrade discount of 6.5% on all of our award-winning products to existing Tijuana Strings users.

Crossgrade Options

DISCORDANT NOTES

Check out the latest from the Spifftire team via our official blog!

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NOTE: The Support Team is unable to answer inquiries regarding Alvin's Twitter account.

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