The most expensive sounds on Earth.
"Human history has only two periods: Before and After the release of The Iron Box.
Now is Year Zero."
—Alvin Spifftire, Founder, Spifftire Audio
GREMMLY®-AWARD WINNER SANS HERMLER PRESENTS
THE IRON BOX
Bach. Beethoven. The Beatles. Spifftire.
Music is about to be changed forever.
The latch, the lock, the handle — it's all there.
We modeled the acoustic response of each with more precision than any product in history.
"If you buy The Iron Box you will immediately be hired to score a feature-length film."
–Sans Hermler, Gremmly®-Winning Film Composer
"I have never heard an Iron Box sound better than this, and I've been making Iron Boxes for thirty years."
–Germanio Pollozzetti, Award-Winning Boxsmith
*out of 10 stars
FEATURED SAMPLE LIBRARIES
What if the haunting vocals on your next indie score... were actually haunted? We deep-sampled over 100 actual ghosts for our latest Technical Gremmly® award-winning collection. Choose from classics like Poor Maude, Viceroy Dagoberto, or Little Jonah, or go more experimental with newcomers like Rufus, Sarah, Satoko, or Scowling Elizabeth!
SPECIAL OFFER: Buy now and receive our recently released Henry Kissinger expansion for FREE!*
* Soul wreaths not included.
AIDIO® AI Music System
Sick and tired of music being gatekept by filthy musicians? Meet your new ghostwriter! Unlike the swine who expect payment for their labor, the AIDIO® system utilizes the latest and greatest ChatGORPT™ protocol to write completely original music that is not at all trained on or stolen from other works! AIDIO never expects to have its name put on a cue sheet or be credited for its work, so rest easy and let it create for you! This groundbreaking new technology can write in up to THREE* genres and almost four keys, and our unique Twelve-Tone Rows (patent pending) ensure that no two melodies are the same!
(Time signatures other than 4/4 coming soon.)
Sans Hermler presents
The Iron Box
Our latest innovation. Sound exactly like world-famous film composer Sans Hermler with the most meticulously-sampled Iron Box that has ever existed in the entirety of human and possibly also alien history. We recorded this box from every angle and every possible distance with a 700-mic array in sixty-five of the most expensive recording studios on earth. The box may be iron, but the sound is multi-platinum.
Our Flagship Library
Dolus Prime Orchestra
The platinum standard in orchestral library marketing, Dolus Prime features over 6TB of individually-sampled orchestral instruments billed on a per-note basis. Take your audio to the next level with over 600,000 stunning 384kHz/64-bit samples and our critically-acclaimed manual assembly assistant. (Coming soon: Legato!)
The most impressive choirs ever heard in the history of all choral music—over 340 million individual bytes of data with round-robin sampling that can emulate a mind-obliterating eight Latin phrases!
Sisyphus Plastic Orchestra
What would happen if every instrument in your orchestra was made of PVC? We spoke to God directly and found out. The Sisyphus Plastic Orchestra contains over 390GB of premium 192kHz plastic toy orchestral samples recorded at the world-famous Loofdarst Studios in Hamburg.
Harpocrates Anechoic Chamber Reverb
Cerberus EQ Deluxe
COALEMUS CHOIRS — .40% OFF — LAST CHANCE SALE!
THIS PRODUCT WILL BE DISCONTINUED IN 48 HOURS
This section to be preserved for evidentiary purposes in compliance with court orders related to State of California vs. Spifftire LLC.
END OF LIFE NOTICE
Spifftire Proudly Presents...
A musical monetization revolution.
A truly decentralized sonic portfolio—powered by the Spifftire Composer Chain™!
Powered by the latest essential and important new technology that is not at all an enormous pyramid scheme, the subscription-based and fully decentralized Composer Chain™ combines the convenience of a monthly subscription fee with the power of Web3! For a moderate monthly fee*, you can unleash your full musical creativity to buy and sell samples, instruments, notes, and collectible musical in the highly stable (and not at all extremely volatile) Composer Chain™ Exchange®, enjoying and exchanging and most certainly profiting handsomely from your music in new and exciting and definitely real ways!
*Additional exchange fees apply. Subscription to, or purchase of any assets in, the Composer Chain™ does not entitle you to usage of those assets or any existing Spifftire sample library for personal or commercial use. The Composer Chain™ is not regulated by any government agency or oversight bureau and transactions are entirely one-way; all monetary gains become the property of Spifftire LLC and its Composer Chain™ affiliate partners, The Sleepy Monkey Guild, LLC (a Cayman Islands Holding Corporation). By reading these words you agree to indemnify Spifftire LLC and The Sleepy Monkey Guild, LLC from any and all claims of damages or fraud arising from any interaction with or purchase from our website. Any and all legal action you bring against us or our partners is immediately null and void because the fact that we said "Web3" in the above paragraph nullifies all Federal, State, and International law. By reading this sentence you agree that any and all legal action must be brought forth via arbitration only and under the jurisdiction of the Cayman Islands. By reading this other sentence you agree to give us an additional $200, just because.
WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT SPIFFTIRE
"Every studio should have this or be burnt to the ground."
–Brendlan Thomas Jr.
Composer, Calling Orders 13: Endless Gray
"If you don't buy every product on this website, you are not a true composer."
Composer, Spundt II: Not More Spundt!
"This is unfortunate, but I am unable to provide the quote for your website. Please do not contact me again."
Composer, Revenant Illusion series
"Whether it's carefully and realistically capturing the stray noise and occasional coughing of a real-world studio orchestra or simply providing the perfect minor-key string arpeggios soaked in the bass-heavy reverb of an expensive rental hall, nobody on earth grasps the Hybrid Symphonic/AAA sound quite like Spifftire."
–Beard McGillis | Comms Open!
Composer, Molten Steel V
"As a veritable industry icon who has scored over fifteen thousand video games (I have a solid gold toilet in every room of my house, which is very big) I can say that Spifftire products have played a very small but not completely insignificant role in my success."
Composer; World Record Holder (Most Video Game Gremmly® Awards Awarded); CEO, Slumco Games;
Creator of the Famed "Noo!" Sound Effect from the Best-Selling Video Game WormBuilder
"Without Spifftire's signature sound, I would never have been able to reach the enormous cinematic success I've seen here in Los Angeles, where I live and work."
Composer, In the Verdant Garden (2005), Licensing Classics Presents Cinematic Indie Volume 3 (2023)
Masterclass: Filling Your IOLicenser™ With Success
with Grumm Poldwig
Join film & game audio pro Grumm Poldwig (Scumpton Downs, Hermosillo Desperados, Jewelemites!) for a detailed tutorial on how to research and buy the award-winning plugins and libraries that will take your sound to the next level and make you a Gremmly-Award winning millionaire.
"I Am a Computer Who Laughs in the Face of God"
A Sit-Down with Sans Hermler
Spifftire artist and billionaire composer Sans Hermler ruminates on life, music, and everything in-between, from his humble origins as the son of a diamond mine owner to the present, his thoughts on music, owning the means of production, and Human Instrumentality.
Becoming a Game Audio Reply Guy
with Bremdan Gallows
World-famous Game Audio Reply Guy Bremdan Gallows (Uncanny Valley Audio + Consulting) takes you on a step by step journey to success. This comprehensive guide will have you flooding the mentions of every composer, sound designer, and developer with inane hashtags, GIFs, and unsolicited advice — across every possible platform.
Going In-Box With Spifftire
with Limden Poomblat
Legendary Engineer Limden Poomblat has mixed and mastered tens of thousands of big-budget projects—and has used only Spifftire Plug-ins to do so since 1963. This detailed guide will help other, more tragically "analog" music professionals replace their existing, outmoded gear with the latest Spifftire products.
END OF LIFE NOTICE
We would like to inform you of the End-of-Life of our Tijuana Strings product line, effective July 1.
We would like to thank all of our loyal customers who made Tijuana Strings the best-selling and longest-lived (over 3.5 years!) orchestral library in history. All libraries will be deactivated and automatically deleted from your computer by the Spifftire Library Manager by or before July 15.
We understand the decision to retire Tijuana Strings may be difficult for some users to process. To prevent any disruption to your studio, we strongly recommend crossgrading to the cutting-edge Dolus Prime library. However, as a token of our thanks, we are offering a crossgrade discount of 6.5% on all of our award-winning products to existing Tijuana Strings users.
DISCORDANT NOTES - THE OFFICIAL SPIFFTIRE BLOG
A Letter From Alvin
Dear Spifftire Family,
At the direction of the Spifftire Board of Directors and our parent company, Enslaver Media, I would like to take a moment to address the widespread condemnation (some have called it a “witch hunt”) expressed in response to certain opinions expressed on my personal Twitter account.
I would like to unequivocally state that I love all of our customers, paid users, investors—and even our sales prospects—equally and I am truly sorry if any of you were offended by my recent comments regarding certain sensitive subjects.
Those who know me personally know that, in spite of the things I have publicly advocated for, I don't have a single ounce of prejudice in my body for any of the groups I allegedly "offended." Those who know me know that I have dedicated my career to creating and monetizing a community where musicians of all stripes — be they Western European, Northern European, or Southern European — can put aside our differences and come together in pursuit of the great and noble art of music. (If I may play Devil's Advocate, one could even say that the "woke" mob more obsessed with Cancel Culture than with music is sabotaging this mission — but I digress.)
I stand behind what I said, but I also believe that all people (including those with whom I respectfully disagree as to whether they constitute "people" or not) should be united in harmony. In pursuit of this harmony, I again express my deepest apologies for any offense taken in regard to my common-sense conclusions.
As a gesture of goodwill, we would like to offer you OUR BIGGEST SALE EVER! If you accept my apology, I'll accept yours: Just enter the coupon code SORRYALVIN at checkout for an unprecedented 9.0% DISCOUNT on ALL of our libraries!
With love and gratitude,
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